You know he loves you........

When he calls you from a fireworks show he's at because he knows how much you enjoy fireworks and can't be there to see them. What a better way to share the moment than to listen to the "pops" and "booms" over the phone. I loved hearing them and only wish I could have been there with him. To hear the crowds yelling and screaming and whistling while the grand finale was happening was way cool. It was very thoughtful of him to call me just as the show started so I could hear it all.

Have I mentioned before how much I love this man!!

A day off...Whatever shall I do?

I really on have some phone calls I need to make then the rest of the day is mine to do whatever I want or don't want to do.

I'm hoping to get some good pictures that show the new color my Daughter used on my hair. Bob still hasn't seen it yet. The lighting in my apartment doesn't really show it. I'm also going to get a picture with me in my new goofy hat.

Getting together with my longtime friend Cheryl today. The sad thing is we live less than 5 minutes from each other and see each other about as often or even less than I get to see Bob. That's pretty sad when you are best friends and live that close and never get together. I blame it on me. I'd rather be alone most of the time. I'm so unsociable anymore.

Atleast the weather around here is going to be nice today. A high of around 70 and sunny. Should be a rather pleasant day to be outside. Maybe when I finally make it over to Mom's, I'll get her yard mowed if she hasn't done it already. She appreciates the help I give her, but at the same time she likes to do that herself as long as she can. So we'll see.

Next week will be nice because I have 2 days off in a row. I always seem to run out of time to do things when my days off are spread apart. Last Wednesday on my day off I was so exhausted and had that irratating headache that I don't even feel as though I did anything. Except get alot of sleep.

Well I suppose sitting here at the computer is taking up time from the calls I need to make so it's time to hop off here and get busy.

FRIDAY!!!....FRIDAY!!!!.........oh wait a minute.........

I have no real reason to be excited because it's Friday....I'm working from noon to 9pm today!! I feel way better this morning. I know I got in some good sleep lastnight. I know I sure did need it to. The only bad part was not getting to bed until 12:30am and getting back up before 7am. It really sucks that I don't have many uniform parts and that I have to get a load washed early in the morning to beat the neighbors at using the washer and dryer first. But, hey, it's beats dragging everything to a laundrymat. I saw my schedule for next week and it's pretty cool. It's going to be the last really cool schedule I'll have for the next few weeks. We lost one of our assistant manager's since he decided our restaurant sucked that bad and he went out and found a new job. I'm happy for him that he found something he's going to like and be really good at it, but now I'm going to pay for it until we get our new assistant manager trained. Oh well, that's life right? Atleast I'm working and making a paycheck and my bills get paid.

How is it you think about so many things you want to write down, but when you sit down here to write them, you draw a blank??? I think my mind may have just shut off!! If I could only have it do that when I can't stop thinking about stuff the bugs me...lol

Feeling like crap today

I slept pretty good lastnight.
Went to sleep by 10:45pm.
Woke up at 5:30am because the dog had to pee.
Went back to sleep till I woke up at 7am.
I was so tired and had a headache that I went back to bed until about 9:10am.
After my shower, I decided to take Cerebus for a walk.
I was certain that would help me feel better.
Nope.....still have this annoying headache.
I know it's my sinuses acting up.
Everyone and their brother has been outside this week mowing lawns.
Not to mention one of our servers at work has been pretty sick this week.
I've taken some ibuprofin and sorta just waiting on that to kick in.
I don't have to leave for work until 2:40pm so I'm about to curl up with the dog and read a good book.....and I won't cry if I fall back to sleep!!

Had the day off.................

Spent most of it with Mom. The first thing I did this morning was go to the city tax office to file my city taxes that I kept putting off. Why did I not realize they changed the cut off date to April 15th just like the rest of the taxes? Oh well, what's a $25 fine added to what I owe. I hate that my employers take taxes out from where I work and not where I live. I never used to have to pay. Thank goodness it's not much.

Took Mom to her hearing aid appointment. They gave her a hearing test to see if her new aid is working correctly and it is. We had lunch at Ponderosa. I haven't been in there in years. It wasn't all that great and I doubt I'll go back for a very long time. It wasn't horrible either, just didn't do much for me. We stopped at Walmart since my contacts were in and I helped mom pick out a new pair of shoes. She now owns the same pair of "trekie" shoes as Bob calls them that he and I wear. They are so comfortable and she just has to slip her feet in them and not worry about tying them. (something she struggles with anymore). I found a really cute summer hat for $4.97. I couldn't pass it up. The funny thing is, I only bought it because Bob said he likes a hat on a woman. Mom said I was cute in it. (I think I look silly) If I decide I really don't wear it or even like it, I can always give it to Deydra to play with.

Heather colored my hair lastnight. We went more red than brown this time. Mom likes it. I have to get used to it. I stopped down at Heather's shop so she could trim it too, but she was way too busy. She said it looks orange today. She made me self consious now.

I had a message on my answering machine when I came home from the Nursing home. Seems Dad has been able to swollow puree'd food so they have orders now to take him to the dinning area for all meals. They will continue using the feeding tube through out the evenings from 7pm to 5am though. He has an evaluation coming up next month so I'm calling to schedule that. Hopefully I can get some answers from these people as to how Dad got so bad and almost died during their care. Mom and I had a long talk today about what she wanted and didn't want if and when she ever gets in my Dad's situation. I found out she has me as the one with the power of attorney over her medical. She has that form and a living will. She made it plain to me today that under no circumstances am I to allow a feeding tube to be put in. She says she has lived a full and productive life and if it came to that to just let her go. It seems we keep having these types of conversations now. It's tough having parents getting old and not in the best of health. She's even talking about selling her car soon and getting a senior pass for the bus. She says it's because of the gas prices. I think it's a combination of that and the fact the she doesn't trust her own driving much anymore. She's had so much on her mind this month that she just looks exhausted.

I think I'm too tired to think of much more right now.

JURY DUTY SCAM:

It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call.
Most of us take those summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people

skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has

surfaced. Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS.


In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly

says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn't show up

for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator.


If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer

asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can

verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes they even ask

for credit card numbers.



Give out any of this information and bingo! Your identity just got stolen.


The scam has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois,

and Colorado. This (scam) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation

over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they're

with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued

nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.



Check it out here:

Check it out here also:

Angel M. Acree CEO
www.TablesforTwo.net

Pieces of our puzzle.........

I sit here and try to write, but my thoughts are scrambled.
I suppose if things were easy they wouldn't be as rewarding.
They say patience is a virtue.
Does this mean I'm virtuous? (sp)
I love my puppy very much and would love nothing more than to have him with me where ever I am.
I have to believe that things will work out benificial for all of us.
If my son finds away to keep him, that would be the perfect solution.
My Mom has me leaving already in her mind.
The thing about my Mom is she'll tell you one thing and think another so I just hope she's sincere when she tells Bob that she believes him to be the one for me.
I do believe my Daughter is a bit upset at the fact that I'll more than likely move to Bob's one day soon.
She'll have to get over it if she is.
Tonight she stopped over and asked me if she can have my stereo when I leave.
She also asked when I was moving.
When I said I didn't know, she asked...one month?...Two months?....6 months?
I again told her I didn't know.
There are still too many pieces in the equation to work out for a more defenate answer to anyone.
Those pieces are what drive me crazy.
I just want to fix it and make it easier.
But I guess that won't neccessarily make it better or the right way.
I have lots of thoughts about all this stuff all the time.
Bob and I just spoke about the "what if's" if he moved here.
There are uncertainties and we both think about them.
We just don't always disscuss them.
We're currently playing the waiting game for one piece of the puzzle to fit into place then the rest should be easy.
This piece is out of both of our hands currently.
I'd like to say more so I don't sound so confusing, but I'm not at liberty to right now.
Besides...I'm just in the middle of thinking anyway.
My biggest thought is on how much I miss having Bob here.
I still haven't moved the coffee maker dammit.
I don't drink coffee.
It really is taking up counter space.
It's just nice to have that piece of a reminder of him.
Glad I found that t-shirt in the laundry he left behind....that will help also.
I sound like a silly school girl.
I just love how comfortable we are together and I miss that when he's gone.
Hopefully soon this puzzle will have less pieces to fit together.

Back to the same old (boring) routine............

I left for work this morning before Bob left to drive back home. I left at 6:10am and he left shortly after that. He left me a note on my desk for me to read when I got home from work. He wished he could stay here and that's something I sure was enjoying. It was cool to come home from work and have him here. Hopefully soon enough we'll be enjoying moments like that all the time and that we never get tired of that feeling.

I just spoke with him and as I figure would happen, people from both directions on his street stopped up when he got back to admire his new truck. I'm glad I could help him in making the decision on where and on which one to buy. As bad as I felt that he had to stay around here and wait for his check to clear, I'm thankful for all the extra days we got to spend together while waiting.

The place is way too quiet here now. I'm not going to like being here without him now. I need to go give Cerebus some attention as I'm sure he's in "Bob's not here to play with me" mode and pouting. The 2 of them get along so good. I sure wish I knew what the future is holding for us and my puppy. I'm hoping my Son comes through and finds an apartment that allows dogs so he can keep him for me for awhile. Cerebus started out as his dog anyway and I was left with him after David couldn't pay for his vet bills and wasn't allowed to house him where he was living when he lived here in Ohio. Pits aren't banned in Jacksonville so he's looking for an apartment.

I had a discussion with both my kids while Bob was here to tell them that we were certain that I would eventually be moving to Maryland to live with Bob. David doesn't want to see anything happen to where we would have to loose Cerebus. He's in agreement that he's by far the best dog we have ever had. My daughter wasn't thrilled that I was leaving her and the kids eventually, but then asked if she could have my computer if and when I moved....lol. I told her I'd think about it. Hell, if giving her my computer gets her blessing for me to leave then I'd be dumb not to give it to her.

So okay, now I'm rambling on about not much of anything so it's time to hop off here for awhile.

It only took a week...................................

but here it is and Bob couldn't be happier with his purchase!!!!
















And it has suicide doors!!!

We're pretty sure he's leaving tomorrow. Today we are taking my Mom bowling. It's a good day all the way around!!!

Until Then....remember our troops!

Click here for an awesome video of our troops.

What a week

It's been great having Bob here all this time. I know he needs to get back so he can get cauhgt up with his jobs, but I sure don't want him to leave. The way it seems now, his account will clear tomorrow and he'll finally be able to pick up his truck. I'm off tomorrow and it will be hard for me to watch him leave. I'm thrilled with the extra days this has give us. Yesterday we went to the Wilderness Center with Cerebus and took a few short trails. The weather was perfect and we both have a litte sunburn. While we were walking we rustled up a small herd of sleeping deer. Oh I'm sure they knew we were there long before we saw them, but it was so cool to see them scamper away. We tried to get some photos, but it just looks like trees. We came upon them several different times on our walk. Cerebus was great and well behaved. Even though I wasn't supposed to have him off the leash I did. Each time we saw the deer, I whispered to Cerebus to come here and he just came over so I could hook him to the leash. I don't think he ever saw the deer, or if he did he could have cared less about them. Today Bob and I had some time before I needed to leave for work so we went to shoot some pool. That was so much fun. I won the first game by default and he won the next 2. I sure wish I had this entire day off as well, but soon enough I won't have to beg for together time with him. One day soon, we'll be living together. For now though, I have an hour and a half more so I'm signing off.

YES!!!!!!....a bonifide day off!!!!!!

Today should be a great day. I'm off...the weather is great...Bob's still here...(insert huge smile). No drive neccessary today for Bob to get his truck stuff finished. A PAYPAL account did the trick. Hopefully he'll hear good news that it cleared today. Not that I want him to leave, but I know he's missing work and needs to get back soon. I'm still hoping for another day with him 1st.

We have the entire day to find something to do. We haven't bothered with plans due to one or both of us being sick and waiting on news that the money is cleared for his truck. The dealership felt bad for the trouble Bob went through so they are taking off some "accessaries" that he doesn't like and putting in a bed liner for him. How cool is that! I'll take a few pictures when we finally do go pick up his truck and post them.

Hopefully we'll get to go somewhere nice today and take cerebus with us for a walk. It's sort of nice not to have a plan really. Just have to see where we end up. Time is wasting away so it's out the door we go...........................................................................

It's been crazy around here

Friday was by far the busiest day Bob and I have spend together yet!! Picked him up at the airport at 10:30ish in th morning and we went non-stop truck shopping for the rest of the day. (With a quick trip to stop over at Mom's and one over at the hospital to see Dad). We stopped by my work Friday evening for dinner so everyone there could meet Bob and so that I could prove he really does exist. Saturday was supposed to be a much less busy day. He test drove one more truck then we went back to the dealership we were at on Friday to make the purchase of one he drove the day before. I won't go into all the details of how hard it is to pay cash/check anymore. There is no reason for him to finance this vehicle but gosh the horseshit he's going through with this. He made sure before he ever made the trip over here that it wouldn't be a problem with an out of state check...well...you wouldn't believe the 1/2 of it if I did sit here and tell you. He was going to make the purchase then leave on Sunday morning when I left to go to work. Well, it's Tuesday and he's still here.....(I'm very glad he is...I selfishly get to see him longer). Sunday was Easter and I sure hope everyone spent it way better than we did. I was one sick girl let me tell you. Well second thought I won't go into graphic detail because it's not something that you'll want to read. (when is the last time you sat in the bathroom holding a bucket???) enough said. I tried to go to work after I was done puking because with it #1 being Easter and #2 Bob being in town, I didn't want them to think I was lying and just calling off to be with him. When I stepped in there behind the grill, I thought for sure I was going to toss it up again. Needless to say my GM was pissed at me for "violating the call off procedure". I did go to the clinic and was told I had a viral infection that was going around. Poor Bob spent all of Sunday getting me wet cloths and chicken soup or pretty much whatever else I needed. I slept the entire day away. I felt extremely bad later that night as he himself took a turn going through the same exact thing I did during the day but his was way worse. So how was your Easter Holiday?? I ended up working my regular shift on Monday from 5:30 am to 4:30pm. Yes that was a long and very tiring day. Poor Bob was here all alone all day and still didn't feel well himself. We are both doing better now. I have the day off Wednesday and we are taking a road trip to a branch of his bank that is somewhere in PA to get a cashiers check so he can finalize this truck purchase. I'm all up for a road trip anytime....but this one seems so un-neccessary if you really stop to think about it.

I never saw my Dad at all Sunday and that's fine really. With me being sick with a flu bug like that, I shouldn't have went near him anyway. They put in Dad's feeding tube on Saturday morning and he was released to go back to the nursing home yesterday. Bob and I stopped by there yesterday afternoon around 6:30 and he was looking so tired but better than he had looked. He looked at me and I said Hi to him and he said hi, but then just looked away. He doesn't know who I am or why I'm in there. A nurse came in while I was in there and asked Dad "Who's this?"....he says "I don't know"....she says..."Your daughter"...he says.."nooo". I told her it was ok...that I'm used to it. I don't want to have to try and confuse him by making him remember me. Maybe I should I don't know. That nurse is the one that told her bosses that dad was dying and needed to go to the hospital. She told me that they came in and pinched him and he said "ow" so they said he was ok. Dumb bastard's. I will be telling this to the social worker when I have my meeting with them. If Dad would have spent one or two more nights at the nursing home he would have died, I'm sure of that.
Today is my day to spend as much time with Bob as I can since I have to leave him later and go to work. I'm closing tonight from 2 to midnight...yuck. So, it's time to close this as he's nearly done reading the newspaper.

Too much going on in my head

There is so much going on in my life lately than I'm sure I've sprouted 50,000 more grey hairs. I'm going to do my best today to think of other things. Bob and I were talking yesterday morning and he asked me if I had any plans for Friday. (I'm off both Friday and Saturday). I told him I didn't have one. He asked me if I wanted one so I said sure. He says how about picking him up in Cleveland at the airport at 10:39am. That's the best thing ever right now for me to do. I'm so glad he's flying here to see me. At this point I haven't a clue how long he's staying. I'm just really glad he's coming. I sure do need to see him. Friday will be a great day even if it's supposed to have isolated thunderstorms through out the day. I took Mom to Bob Evans for breakfast this morning. She looks really drained herself. I told her to go home and get a nap. She needs lots of rest so she doesn't just fall over. I need a nap myself before work tonight. I have 2 hours before I have to leave. Tomorrow will be a grand day and I'm so excited!!!

Decisions...Decisions.....

I spoke with his Primary Care Physican this morning and let me tell you...even though he is my very own Doctor (I just saw him for the first time last month), that he sure laid down a guilt trip. I and I'm sure my family members too have that feeling somewhat already. How can we not put a feeding tube in my Dad so he can be fed and get stronger and not just starve to death? Our biggest concern with that tube was the fact that it's permenate. My Sister is asking "What about later on if he has another stroke....can we get the tube removed without a court order?" That tube is considered life support which is something neither Dad nor Mom want. The Primary Care Physican basically told me this morning that if we don't consent to this tube, we might as well just send him back to the Nursing Home now. The hospital isn't really doing anything for him at this point other than run his IV tubes with his antibiotics and dextrose. They are waiting on our consent for the tube so they can feed Dad and get his strength up and start speech therapy again and work on his swollowing so he can get back to feeding himself. As alert as Dad is now, which is more than I've seen in him in months, I'd feel horrible if we refused this opportunity. After talking with the GI doctor, I feel better about the tube. I asked him that once we consent for this tube and say Dad takes a turn for the worse in a few months, would we be able to order the tube removed. He asked who had power of attorney over Dad's medical. I told him Mom did. He says as long as there isn't anything in the living will that will supercede (sp) that...then Mom can simply order that tube removed. I'm hoping it's that easy if and when the time would come to that. After calling Gloria and waking her up (sorry about the 3 hours difference in time) and getting her questions and consent (though she didn't want to give it like we all don't really want to) and talked to Mom and she said go for it if she can later order it removed...I had no choice then but to call the Hospital back and give offical consent for the feeding tube to be put in. So within the next 24 hours the procedure will be done.

As much talking as Dad was doing yesterday and although very weak and skinny, I'd feel really bad starving him and having him get worse. He deserves this chance. This is such a hard decision to make. As horrible as I felt it was for my exhusband to die alone in his sleep and not be found for 3 days...atleast my children didn't have to make a decision on what to do about a feeding tube or any of this sort of care. I know for myself that I don't want to get old and so ill that I would be in my Dad's condition. If my body is starting to shut down and I'm 83 years old, I'd like to just say let me go. I've talked to God many many times and even though he knows how and when I'll die, I'm sure hoping he'll make it painless and quick. I hate pain and don't want my family to have to have these types of decisions.

Now I need some fresh air and to get out of the house so I'm taking the dog for a much needed walk. After all it's nice out and in 4 hours I have to leave for work.

He doesn't know me after all......

Well, he's always thought I was his sister ever since he's had the stroke. Most times I can get him to remember after repeatedly telling him "I'm your daughter..Janet". He used to remember that Steve was my husband and that Heather was my Daughter. I really thought he knew who I was these past couple of days. Mom asked him if he knew me and he stares at me. (Think I got my big eyes from him...lol) Well, today as I was talking to him and asked if he knew who I was, he shook his head yes. I was positive I heard him say Verna but with his mumbled speech it's hard to tell. I understood him when he slowly said he wanted some shoes. I asked him if slippers would be ok and he said yes. I asked the nurse for a pair of those hospital footies they give patients and she said she'd get him a pair. They have these sock things on his feet but his toes stick out and he wants them covered. He kept trying to tell me something with numbers today. It's so frustrating that I can't make out barely one word that he's trying to say. It has to be doubly frustrating for him to be trying to tell someone something and they can't understand a thing you are saying. He stops and looks at me then asks...."are you my sister?". That's when I realized that earlier he had indeed called me Verna. Aunt Verna died when I was a little kid. I think I was 4 years old. The only thing I think of that makes him think I'm her is my long dark hair. I told Mom today on the way home that I'm not going to correct him anymore. I asked him if he remembers Gloria. He said louder and very plainly...."Oh yeah" as he shook his head up and down. I'm glad that he knows mom and remembers gloria. I told him that Gloria is coming in a few days from California to see him. He shook his head up and down and said "ok". I want so badly to cut his hair and trim his fingernails that are so long. The gave him a bath today and shaved him. He looked better than I've seen him in a very long time. I just wish I knew what we were going to do about this feeding tube. I'm pretty sure we aren't going to have it put it, but we need to talk about it when we all get together after Gloria gets here. Mom doesn't want him to have it at all. I keep battling with the moral side of me that doesn't want to be responsible for Dad starving to death. I need to get passed this issue in my head. Perhaps after a family conversation I'll be ok. This is tough. Heather ws going to come to the hospital with mom and I tonight, but she's pretty sick with a head cold and called me to say she wasn't going. That was a good call. We don't want him getting sick like that at this point. I still haven't spoken with his doctors yet. Hopefully the GI doc will call me in the morning. He's the doctor that wants the feeding tube in. The next 2 nights I work 2 to midnight. I'll be able to make calls in the morning. I just hope I ask all the right questions. The social worker from the hospital called me today. They just needed to know that when dad does get released, was he going back to the nursing home. I told her yes. I still want to have a meeting with the admiistrators of that facility. I want them to understand that I'm not all that happy with the care Dad has been getting. Hopefully I'll get somewhere with that. For now though, that's my latest update.

Update on Dad

mom and I went up to the hospital tonight to see Dad after I was off work. I'll tell you this much, he looks sooooo much better. He was very alert and even talking better. It's still very hard to understand him though. He seemed to know who I was and this is something that he doesn't always do. He only has his IV line in right now. He keeps taking out his oxygen nasal canula. Other than being very thin and in a serious need of a haircut, he looks good for what he's been through the last several days. He kept trying to pull away the covers and get out of bed. When I asked him what he was doing he ponted to the clock and said it's 6 o'clock, I want to go down to the room to eat. Now, is he hungry and wants to eat or is it just that he knows the routuine and thinks he's still at the nursing home and wants his wheelchair so he can go sit in the lunch room and wait for his meal. This is something he's been doing since his admition nealy 7 years ago. It's a little like Pavlov's Dog. (6pm mealtime hungry or not) How do you tell at this point in time?
Mom and I stayed for about an hour then it was time to go. When we came back here to my house I recieved a phone call from the hospital asking for my consent to insert a feeding tube. I started to tell her okay since I knew he couldn't swollow and still needed nurishment. She proceeded to let me know that during that type of procedure his DNR (Do Not Resusitate (sp)) would not be in effect. I stopped right there and told her I couldn't make this decision on my own that I needed to contact my sister who is a registered nurse. I finally got ahold of Gloria and she had all the right questions to ask. 1). Why something so permanate so soon? 2). Who ordered this procedure? 3). Would we need a court order for removal later on?

When the Nurse first mentioned the tube to me, I didn't even think of that as life support but it most certainly is. Now I have to talk to Mom again tomorrow and explain this to her. So that's all for now on Dad. Hopefully the doctor will call me in the morning so I'll have more info for you all.

I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY AND GET OFF MY CHEST BEFORE I EXPLODE. SINCE I POSTED ABOUT MY DAD, I HAVE BEEN CALLED SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE AND IDIOTIC. I TRUELY UNDERSTAND ALL ABOUT HURT FEELINGS AND THE NEED TO EXPRESS THEM. I SENT OUT PUBLIC APPOLOGIES AND EMAIL APPOLOGIES. HOWEVER, THE MORE I SIT HERE THE MADDER I'M GETTING THAT NO ONE KNOWS JUST WHAT THE HELL I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS WEEK! DOES ANYONE OF YOU THAT SENT ME THOSE EMAILS UNDERSTAND WHAT LAST THURSDAY WAS? APRIL 6TH RING A BELL WITH ANY OF YOU? LET ME REMIND YOU NOW INCASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER. WHEN I WALKED INTO DAD'S ROOM FRIDAY IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM I HAD A HORRIBLE FLASH BACK OF FINDING STEVE DEAD IN HIS HOME AND HAVING TO TOUCH HIM TO GET MY MIND TO REGISTER THAT HE IN FACT WAS DEAD AND NOT JUST SLEEPING. DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE TO WHAT I'M FEELING?? YOU ARE JUDGING ME FOR POSTING PICTURES OF DAD BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO BAD AND CLOSE TO DEATH! HAVE ANY OF YOU ONCE THOUGHT OF HOW I FEEL? HAVE YOU ASKED ME? DO YOU CARE? HAVE YOU NO CONSIDERATION FOR ME AND WHAT I MAY BE DEALING WITH? OR ARE YOU SITTING THERE JUST SEEING DAD'S PICTURES AND GETTING DISGUSTED WITH ME FOR POSTING SUCH A MORBID PICTURE OF HIM? DAD IS NOT DYING AT THIS MOMENT. HE IS OUT OF MICU AND ACTUALLY SPOKE WITH ME OR DID YOU NOT READ THAT HE IS IMPROVING?

THINK ABOUT THIS WHILE YOU ARE READING THAT YES NOW I'M ANGRY! ALL THE WHILE I WAS POSTING PICTURES OF DEYDRA AND ISAAC I WAS THINKING HOW SAD THAT STEVE NEVER GOT TO SEE HIS GRANDKIDS AND HOW MUCH I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE ENJOYED THEM! NONE OF YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH WHAT I'VE DEALT WITH AND FOR THAT I'M GLAD. I DON'T WISH THAT ON ANYONE. HAVE ALL YOUR MEMORIES OF DAD THAT YOU WANT TO HANG ON TO. I HAVE MY OWN. JUST DON'T SIT THERE AND JUDGE ME FOR A DESCION THAT I MADE. SEEING DAD LIKE THIS IS BRINGING BACK LOTS OF EMOTIONAL PAIN FOR ME AND I BET NOT A ONE OF YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WHILE YOU WERE CALLING ME INCONSIDERATE. SO WHO'S CONSIDERATE NOW?

I DON'T CARE WHO READS THIS AND COMMENTS ON THIS. THIS IS MY JOURNAL AND I'LL POST MY THOUGHTS, AND FEELINGS IN HERE ALL I WANT. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THEM, I'M SORRY. JUST DON'T JUDGE ME FOR THEM. YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME DOING THAT TO YOU FOR SELF EXPRESSION. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN HAVE MORE UNDERSTANDING FROM FRIENDS BE IT ONLINE OR IN PERSON THAN I CAN FROM MY OWN FAMILY? HAS NOTHING EVER CHANGED? CAN'T I JUST BE ME FOR ONCE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT?

I'M HURT AND ANGRY AND HAVE TONS OF EMOTION AND I JUST KNOW I'LL PROBABLY REGRET SAYING SOME OF THIS, BUT IT JUST HAS TO COME OUT. I AM NOT AN INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH PERSON. THE LAST THING I EVER WANT IS TO BE THE CAUSE OF SOMEONES PAIN AND HURT FEELINGS. WHAT ABOUT MINE? WHEN DO I CONSIDER MINE BEFORE SOMEONE ELSES? TAKE A LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME AND STOP FOR 1/2 A SECOND TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH. SHOW ME YOU CARE IF YOU DO. JUST DON'T FORGET WHILE YOU ARE CONSENTRATING ON HOW YOUR FEELING THAT I HAVE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS TOO.

How do you apologize for upsetting your family????

I have deleted the posts about my Dad. I could have just deleted the photos, but thought I'd better delete the enitre posts. I first of all had no idea any family member other than my sister ever read my blog. Never once has anyone other than her commented on here. I never intended to upset or hurt any one's feelings with anything I post in here. I want EVERYONE here that reads this blog to understand this............... This is my JOURNAL. My Diary of sorts. I deleted my first blog because I spoke about work in it too much and my GM found it and read it. This is my place for SELF EXPRESSION....to say and post what I feel, think and see. I NEVER have any intension on hurting anyone. I am truely sorry I have offended you. Serenity, I understand how shocking those pictures were to you and Josh, if you are reading this, I'm very sorry if I hurt you as well with those pictures. Out of respect for your feelings, I have deleted them. I'll send emails to my family members for more personalable appologies. I'm hoping that you all understand that I have to for ME....need to be able to FREELY express myself in my journal. It's my only outlet from shit that bottles up in me. When I post in here, I DON'T stop to think first of whom this my offend, or I'll never get things out. I'm just asking for understanding of why I have this blog.

To Kill an American

Written by an Australian Dentist...

"To Kill an American"

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is ..... so they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)

"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, o Muslim.
In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan.
The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most
prosperous land in the history of
the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago,
Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to
win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than
any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome
the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the
best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America,
The Statue of Liberty, welcomes
your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming
shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the
people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of
September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families.
It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at
least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages,
including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would
just be killing yourself.

Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Deydra & Isaac....and yes that other one is Deydra too!!!!

To Quote Pooh Bear...."Oh Bother!!"

Blogger is being a big BOTHER today and not allowing me to post any photos......grrrrrrrr

Jan's Photo shoot

Experimenting finally with a photo shoot. My grand daughter was more than willing to participate. This was taken with my digital. I have the 35mm being developed and will have them back tomorrow....stay tuned for more on this subject.














Cerebus is always another willing subject for my lens. This was taken early this morning to finish off a roll of film from DC.








This handsome young man was 3 months old yesterday. My how time flies by. There will be more photos of Isaac too.





















These are a few more photos that I like from my 35mm camera. I'm defenately convince to stick primarily with this camera. Digitals are nice, but I'm hooked with my other camera. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

Thought I was dreaming but it really did snow lastnight!!

Thank goodness it was just a light dusting on the lawns, but sheesh, it's SPRING...enough of the white stuff already!!!

I did get some good sleep lastnight. My mind finally shut off long enough. It's really hard to find that switch when you need to turn it off. Its back on now though and if I don't get busy doing stuff all these crazy thoughts in my head will just drive me crazy all day.

I'm taking my 2 rolls of 35mm film in for processing today. I'm hoping these photos come out as well if not better than the digital ones came out. I have decided that for really important photos, I'm sticking to my 35mm camera. I had the ones I posted on here printed and the quality of the photo was lost somewhere. The photos look "grainy" and that has me upset. I can't enlarge any of these ones to hang on my wall in frames. Such a disappointment to me. It's not like I can just "re-take" these photos. Oh well, maybe I'm just being to critical of the photos.

I have the day off today and barely a thing to do. Wow.... a total lazy day.... what a concept. Cerebus will get lots of attention today that's for sure. Poor guy is alone way too long most days. He acted so happy to see me when I picked him up from Mom's monday evening then I just left him alone again yesterday from 1:30 to midnight. That's such a long time for him to be in here all alone. He does so good though.

I was hoping for a day off with the temperature atleast in the 50's. I need to get outside and do stuff. I'm too honest to say that's what I'll do anyway. It's only 28 degrees out there and I'm not about to try to be out in that and freeze. Jacksonville has a high of 81 today. That's so not fair.

Time to get motivated and do something or I'll just end up back in bed for a complete lazy day.

I should be sleeping........but

My mind is on being there with you.
Every little moment of alone time we had this past weekend was wonderful.
I want so much more time with you.
When I was walking through the airport Thursday night, I couldn't wait for you to put your arms around me like you did.
I didn't want you to let go.
Did I tell you how good you looked?
If not, I'm sorry and I'm telling you now.
Seeing you put a huge smile on my face and didn't mind so much anymore about that noisy flight I had just stepped off of.
I was struggling to stay awake on that metro ride back to your car, and I was so glad you were right there beside me to lean on.
I really missed snuggling up to you and falling asleep in your arms.
It was so go to be able to do that again after so long.
Even though I didn't have you all to myself during the day Friday, I enjoyed sharing that afternoon with you and your family.
As nice as it was meeting the neighbors, I just wish I could have had that extra alone time with you.
I wish we could have taken a longer drive Saturday and perhaps gotten lost.
Maybe one day soon we can do just that.
What a crazy way to spend a day...to plan on getting lost, just as long as we were together to find our way back.
It would have been nice to go see some of those homes we have been looking up.
Hopefully soon we can work on that.
I want you to know that it's all your fault I was smiling so much Saturday night.
You make me feel special.
Sitting at that marina bar was fun.
Maybe we should have gotten one of those tattoos....after all it wasn't permanent.
Perhaps another time we'll do something crazy like that...(as long as it's not real).
I wish I could describe to you better how you make me feel.
I'm so comfortable everytime we are together.
It feels as though we have always been together...and yes that's a good thing.
I love that I can be myself around you.
I don't have to pretend anything.
If I want to be a total goof I can.
If I want to be really serious, I can.
Even when you laugh at me it makes me feel good.
Gives us both something to laugh at really.
This weekend went by way too fast.
I would love to come home from work one day and find you here in my apartment.
I would love nothing more than to here you say to me one day soon...."Turn in your notice at work and start counting down the days until you come here to stay with me."
We have so much to work out and Honey, I'm really trying hard.
I just miss you so much that it's hard to stay upbeat and have constant postitive thinking.
Some days it feels like it's never going to happen.
I feel like you and I are really being robbed of quality time.
I just hope that ends soon.
The day you get that phone call to tell you when you start at the "House", I better be the first person you notify!
I'm looking forward to the day we make arrangements for our final countdown.
I Love You Bob.
More than you will ever realize.
Perhaps now I can lay down and finally get that sleep that is eluding me tonight.
Sleep well Honey and I'll see you soon.

What a weekend.....**way to short**

I'd love to sit here and recap our entire time together, but I'm way too exhausted to do that. So, instead I'll just highlight it then post our pictures.

Since I posted about my lovely flight there on thursday evening, I'll skip all that now. We were all up early on Friday and ready to leave for downtown DC by 10 am. You couldn't have wanted a more pleasant day. The weather was absolutely perfect. The high was 83 degrees and there was just a faint breeze in the air. The Cherry Blossom trees were at their "peak bloom". I just hope my pictures captured the true beauty that we actually saw in person. Every now and then you could get a good whif of the fragrance they had too. We saw a few of the memorials and I'll post a couple of those. All in all we were only there for about 4 hours. We had lunch at the "Post Pub". Very awesome food, I highly recommend you go there if you are ever in that area. After arriving back to his Brother's house, we all needed a nap. I don't think I have ever been so exhausted to where I can fall asleep practically instantly in ages. Bob and I went to his neighbors for drinks and conversation later that evening. They are very nice people. The husband told Bob he has good taste in woman according to his wife...seems he loves long hair on a woman too....hehehe. Hope my long hair isn't the only thing I have good going for me.

Before I knew it, it was Saturday and time was flying by. Bob and I took a small drive Saturday morning and that was nice. We had a light lunch at "Franklins". Again, I highly recommend this place. We rode the metro inot DC to find our hotel. What an adventure that turned out to be. We were given what seemed to be the most simple instructions on how to find this place from the metro. Turns out a step was left out or something. We eventually found it and were never really far from it. Good thing it was a good day for walking...hehehe. After being slightly wind blown, we got all checked in and had a short time to relax before getting ready for the dinner cruise. I had a fabulous time and wish I had more photos from that part of this trip. While waiting for the gates to open up we walked around a little and found a nice marina bar. The wind was just unmerciful to us. All that time I spent fixing my hair nearly turned out to be pointless. I still looked ok, but wanted to look better. Trust me that no amount of hair spray would have held up to that wind!! We finally all got boarded and left port around 7:15 or so I think it was. They had some crew members that sang and danced and got the guest to participate some. Dinner it's self was fantastic. I had things I never had before and if any of you really know me, you know what a picky eater I can be. There wasn't one thing I tried that I didn't like. (I skipped the veggies on purpose). The fireworks went off around 8:30 and een though the wind was blowing as hard as it was, alot of us went out on the bow to watch them. I took a little mini video of them with my digital camera. I still haven't figured out how to get that to post. So sometime when I do have it figured out, I'll get it posted. The night ended all too soon and while waiting for our taxi to arrive to take us back to the hotel, I started to feel like cinderella. The night was all too good to be real and then before you know it, it's all over. We arrived back at the hotel sometime between 11 and 11:30pm. I made sure to call the front desk for a wake up call at 4am so we knew I would be up to get ready to go to the airport. Loosing an hour sleep to the time change really sucked. It robbed me of just one more hour to be with Bob. I was ready on time in the morning and the cab arrived by 5:10 to take us to the airport. My flight was on time (always a plus) so I didn't have much time to sit with Bob before going through security. I hate leaving him and can't wait till I don't have to deal with that moment again. I had no trouble with that 1st flight of the day. However, while waiting for my next flight out of Detroit, they posted a delay on the screen. We ended up leaving an hour later than scheduled. I was thinking that I was going to have to call my job and tell them I was stuck in Detroit. It all worked out and I arrived in Cleveland just in time to drive straigh to work. I arrived at work by 2:1opm and was scheduled to start at 2:30pm. Nothing like cutting your trip done to the last minute.

So, there it is, our weekend in print. (hope that didn't bore you). Now on with the pictures........