I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY AND GET OFF MY CHEST BEFORE I EXPLODE. SINCE I POSTED ABOUT MY DAD, I HAVE BEEN CALLED SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE AND IDIOTIC. I TRUELY UNDERSTAND ALL ABOUT HURT FEELINGS AND THE NEED TO EXPRESS THEM. I SENT OUT PUBLIC APPOLOGIES AND EMAIL APPOLOGIES. HOWEVER, THE MORE I SIT HERE THE MADDER I'M GETTING THAT NO ONE KNOWS JUST WHAT THE HELL I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS WEEK! DOES ANYONE OF YOU THAT SENT ME THOSE EMAILS UNDERSTAND WHAT LAST THURSDAY WAS? APRIL 6TH RING A BELL WITH ANY OF YOU? LET ME REMIND YOU NOW INCASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER. WHEN I WALKED INTO DAD'S ROOM FRIDAY IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM I HAD A HORRIBLE FLASH BACK OF FINDING STEVE DEAD IN HIS HOME AND HAVING TO TOUCH HIM TO GET MY MIND TO REGISTER THAT HE IN FACT WAS DEAD AND NOT JUST SLEEPING. DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE TO WHAT I'M FEELING?? YOU ARE JUDGING ME FOR POSTING PICTURES OF DAD BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO BAD AND CLOSE TO DEATH! HAVE ANY OF YOU ONCE THOUGHT OF HOW I FEEL? HAVE YOU ASKED ME? DO YOU CARE? HAVE YOU NO CONSIDERATION FOR ME AND WHAT I MAY BE DEALING WITH? OR ARE YOU SITTING THERE JUST SEEING DAD'S PICTURES AND GETTING DISGUSTED WITH ME FOR POSTING SUCH A MORBID PICTURE OF HIM? DAD IS NOT DYING AT THIS MOMENT. HE IS OUT OF MICU AND ACTUALLY SPOKE WITH ME OR DID YOU NOT READ THAT HE IS IMPROVING?

THINK ABOUT THIS WHILE YOU ARE READING THAT YES NOW I'M ANGRY! ALL THE WHILE I WAS POSTING PICTURES OF DEYDRA AND ISAAC I WAS THINKING HOW SAD THAT STEVE NEVER GOT TO SEE HIS GRANDKIDS AND HOW MUCH I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE ENJOYED THEM! NONE OF YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH WHAT I'VE DEALT WITH AND FOR THAT I'M GLAD. I DON'T WISH THAT ON ANYONE. HAVE ALL YOUR MEMORIES OF DAD THAT YOU WANT TO HANG ON TO. I HAVE MY OWN. JUST DON'T SIT THERE AND JUDGE ME FOR A DESCION THAT I MADE. SEEING DAD LIKE THIS IS BRINGING BACK LOTS OF EMOTIONAL PAIN FOR ME AND I BET NOT A ONE OF YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WHILE YOU WERE CALLING ME INCONSIDERATE. SO WHO'S CONSIDERATE NOW?

I DON'T CARE WHO READS THIS AND COMMENTS ON THIS. THIS IS MY JOURNAL AND I'LL POST MY THOUGHTS, AND FEELINGS IN HERE ALL I WANT. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THEM, I'M SORRY. JUST DON'T JUDGE ME FOR THEM. YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME DOING THAT TO YOU FOR SELF EXPRESSION. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN HAVE MORE UNDERSTANDING FROM FRIENDS BE IT ONLINE OR IN PERSON THAN I CAN FROM MY OWN FAMILY? HAS NOTHING EVER CHANGED? CAN'T I JUST BE ME FOR ONCE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT?

I'M HURT AND ANGRY AND HAVE TONS OF EMOTION AND I JUST KNOW I'LL PROBABLY REGRET SAYING SOME OF THIS, BUT IT JUST HAS TO COME OUT. I AM NOT AN INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH PERSON. THE LAST THING I EVER WANT IS TO BE THE CAUSE OF SOMEONES PAIN AND HURT FEELINGS. WHAT ABOUT MINE? WHEN DO I CONSIDER MINE BEFORE SOMEONE ELSES? TAKE A LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME AND STOP FOR 1/2 A SECOND TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH. SHOW ME YOU CARE IF YOU DO. JUST DON'T FORGET WHILE YOU ARE CONSENTRATING ON HOW YOUR FEELING THAT I HAVE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS TOO.