Decisions...Decisions.....

I spoke with his Primary Care Physican this morning and let me tell you...even though he is my very own Doctor (I just saw him for the first time last month), that he sure laid down a guilt trip. I and I'm sure my family members too have that feeling somewhat already. How can we not put a feeding tube in my Dad so he can be fed and get stronger and not just starve to death? Our biggest concern with that tube was the fact that it's permenate. My Sister is asking "What about later on if he has another stroke....can we get the tube removed without a court order?" That tube is considered life support which is something neither Dad nor Mom want. The Primary Care Physican basically told me this morning that if we don't consent to this tube, we might as well just send him back to the Nursing Home now. The hospital isn't really doing anything for him at this point other than run his IV tubes with his antibiotics and dextrose. They are waiting on our consent for the tube so they can feed Dad and get his strength up and start speech therapy again and work on his swollowing so he can get back to feeding himself. As alert as Dad is now, which is more than I've seen in him in months, I'd feel horrible if we refused this opportunity. After talking with the GI doctor, I feel better about the tube. I asked him that once we consent for this tube and say Dad takes a turn for the worse in a few months, would we be able to order the tube removed. He asked who had power of attorney over Dad's medical. I told him Mom did. He says as long as there isn't anything in the living will that will supercede (sp) that...then Mom can simply order that tube removed. I'm hoping it's that easy if and when the time would come to that. After calling Gloria and waking her up (sorry about the 3 hours difference in time) and getting her questions and consent (though she didn't want to give it like we all don't really want to) and talked to Mom and she said go for it if she can later order it removed...I had no choice then but to call the Hospital back and give offical consent for the feeding tube to be put in. So within the next 24 hours the procedure will be done.

As much talking as Dad was doing yesterday and although very weak and skinny, I'd feel really bad starving him and having him get worse. He deserves this chance. This is such a hard decision to make. As horrible as I felt it was for my exhusband to die alone in his sleep and not be found for 3 days...atleast my children didn't have to make a decision on what to do about a feeding tube or any of this sort of care. I know for myself that I don't want to get old and so ill that I would be in my Dad's condition. If my body is starting to shut down and I'm 83 years old, I'd like to just say let me go. I've talked to God many many times and even though he knows how and when I'll die, I'm sure hoping he'll make it painless and quick. I hate pain and don't want my family to have to have these types of decisions.

Now I need some fresh air and to get out of the house so I'm taking the dog for a much needed walk. After all it's nice out and in 4 hours I have to leave for work.