Thursday, March 23, 2006

181 hours 23 minutes as of 9am this morning.......

You didn't think I forgot the countdown did you?? Why of course not!!

I didn't sleep good at all lastnight and I sure wish I knew why. Guess it doesn't really matter. I have a hard time getting motivated. There are things I want to get done and get started on but getting moving on them just doesn't seem to be happening. That makes me upset with myself. I want to take the dog for a walk. I hate the cold and have no desire to get out there in it. That I know is pure laziness. I want to get started on some crunches but can't seem to get started. Again, lazy. I want to wake up one morning to discover that I've lost 40 pounds but we all know THAT'S not gonna happen anytime soon if I keep being lazy. So what will it take to motivate me? Wish I knew that answer. I thought it would be knowing the fact that Bob has lost so much wieght since our vacation back in November....(Good job too Honey). I don't want him to wiegh less than me, yet I haven't gotten busy yet. I posted earlier about not being happy with my body. I'm not. For a woman that is only 5' 4" in hieght I shouldn't be 175 lbs. There, I put it out there for all the world to see how heavy I am at the moment. I have the worst yo-yo effect with my wieght. I can loose wieght fast and easy once I get motivated to do something about it. I have before. My heaviest wieght was back in 1981 when I wieghed in at the hospital to give birth to my son. I was 200 lbs. (he was 10 pounds 4 ounces at birth). I lost wieght that year but stopped at around 165. I bounce back and forth alot between 165 and 180. The year 1992 I was 198 lbs and totally discussed with myself. Alot of my wieght gain was the fact that i was going through a nasty bitter divorce and I'd let myself go. I joined FormU3 wieghtloss that year and got my wieght down to 140 pounds in 6 months. I kept that off for nearly 2 years. I'm one of those people that hate food believe it or not. I never eat "right". I am an impulsive eater most of the time. I eat when I'm bored or sad or angry. The worst thing I do is just plain not eat. I know that when I do that, my body thinks it's starving and stores everything to fat. No wonder it's hard as hell to loose it the next time I try. When Bob and I first met in person I was down to 154 pounds. Shortly there after I changed jobs. That in itself was stressful. I had just up and quit and walked away from one job and was unemployed for a almost 2 months before getting the one I have now. Being a restaurant manager, I get "free" meals. That is so bad for someone like myself. When I first started there I was eating all kinds of different dishes. Too much greasy food and fries. It's no wonder I'm where I am now. For the past 4 or 5 months now I have been watching what I have been eating. Trying to stay away from fatty stuff and drinking lots of water and juice. I love my white grape juice. I swear I'm addicted to it. Now I'm drinking "light" white grape juice. In my house there is very little here that has fat in it and I'm now watching the cholesteral intake on the food labels. I just haven't found that motivation to get "phyically" active. I know Bob thought he pissed me off this morning from a statement he made. He jsut tries to encourage me and I know that. I'm just too sensitive at times. I get pissed at myself not others for trying to help me out. I hate to see myself naked because I see every roll and extra part the clothes hide. I thought if I took some photos I would look at them and get inspired to do something about it. Nope. I tried it and got depressed because I let myself get abck to this wieght. My sister says she has a wieght problem but I don't see it. I'm sure it has alot to do with her teen years and things that were said to her. Probably a few boyfriends said stuff hurtfull too. I don't have that. I'm my own worst enemy here. I ridicule myself thinking I can over come the laziness needed to actually do something. I'm taking my multi vitamins and calcium now like a good girl and eating stuff that is good for me. That's a huge start. Now I need to get active. I know I can do it.

Honey, if you're reading this...I'm sorry I snapped this morning. There was nothing wrong with your reminder and I'll try my hardest not to be so sensitive. It's do or die time for me now. I can't have my body getting so bad the doctor calls to tell me to exercise. I know that even though my cholesteral was a mere 201 when they want to see it at 100 to 199 isn't that bad. I'm sure it was worse about 6 to 8 months ago and that's what worries me. So, bare with me as I just might change the entire format of my blog to a diet journal of sorts. I have to try something!!! What I have been doing hasn't been doing me any good.


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