Friday, February 17, 2006

I think too much.....

I'm sure that's all it is. I have weird dreams sometimes that keep me from falling into a deep sleep. I worry when I shouldn't. Is there a cure? The thing is, I'm alone too much and my mind wanders. It never stops thinking about things. I don't want to say I worry about everything, because I don't really, I just think too much. Mostly what I think about anymore is where my job is going and where, when & how my live is changing. (don't try to hang on my every word..I just have to get these thoughts out on "paper" so I don't go stark raving mad and can sleep tonight). My job...lately has been less stressfull. I'm getting along better with the GM..I'm just still not where I want to be as far as comfortable with where I work. I dont have a problem with what I do as much as where I'm doing it at. Do I have the power to change that? Asolutely!! Do I want to? Absolutely!! Am I ready for that change? No...not yet. Does that frustrate me? Abolutely!! So what holds me back? The fear of the unknown. I know I want to go live with Bob. That is a given and I have no doubts or fears about that. I know he wants me to be with him. We have been planning for this for awhile now. The unkowns are where we'll live..."exactly"...(it's a defenate that it will be in the DC area)....just haven't narrowed that down yet. When will this all fall together for us? (another unknown) Will I be able to keep my baby? I'm scared of loosing him more than anything. He's too good and well behaved and disciplined to just give away. My heart would be broken and I can't have that. So I take him and live illegally? Can we live with that stress? Can we survive my broken heart if I loose him? Have we discussed this?....only partly. That's one of those "cross the bridge when we come to it" things. Yet it's constantly on my mind. My children don't understand my relationship as it is. They can't understand why I'm with someone that lives in another state. I know that 3 and a 1/2 years ago I was in a different relationship that went horribly wrong with a guy that lived out of state and I gave up my entire live as I knew it to be with him. My kids are certain that I'm making another bad decision. What they don't realize is this relationship I'm in now has nothing to do with that other one from my past. It in no way has any resemblence to it at all. My Bob is the best thing that has happened to me. My son is the one that worries about me the most. I'm sure it's because he saw first hand the devastation I went through and the pain that was caused from my past. How do I let him know that I'll be alright and he doesn't need to worry? Bob has been so good to me in so many ways that I can't even begin to count how many ways. If it wasn't for him living where he does at the moment, I'd be there now. I miss him so very much and I'm certain that's the reason for my mind constantly thinking. The last time we got to spend alot of time together was in November for out 9 day vacation. It was awesome seeing him over Christmas and I'll never minimize our time was just too short. By the time I'll get to see him again it will have been nearly 2 months. I hate being away from him. He needs a break. He's been so busy working on all these remodels and addition building, that he's so exhausted you can hear it in his voice. That's why I worry. I can tell something is wrong. I'm certain it's just from what he says it is.....tired from work. He also is constantly thinking about things. I'm certain they are close to being the same thing as me with the addition of his son going to Iraq in just a few days. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease his mind about that. I know how I would feel if it were my son going over there. I too worry about Bill going. How do you shut your mind off? I'm going to try now since I have to get to sleep.


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