Thursday, January 19, 2006

What's on my mind.........

Since January 1st I have worked a total of 142 hours. I have had 4 days off (2 of them in the hosptial with Heather, 1 spent babysitting a 3 day old baby, 1 doing laundry and cleaning my apaprtment). I have 2 more working shifts to go adding on 20 more hours. I have more than earned these up coming 4 days off. At this point I'm so tired and my brain hurts from thinking way too much about way too many things, that I hope I can actually enjoy my time off and away from here. This month has been tough on me in many ways. It's been good to me as well. The hardest part is not getting the rest I need to the point that I "feel" rested. I'm sleeping when I go to bed, I'm just as tired when I wake up in the morning and that causes me to drag all day. When I get home and it's nearly midnight and I take the dog out, log on here to let Bob know I got home safely, clean myself up from working and get to's one in the morning. I don't set an alarm unless I have to get up and I generally wake up around 8 or 8:30. So you'd think I was rested......nope. I have been running and running from the time I get up till the time I drop back in bed. I swear I live in a glorified dog house since the dog is here way more than I am. It's been nice this past week since Heather got her car back and is driving again. I haven't been running her anywhere. I have actually gotten out and taken the dog for a walk a couple times. Winter is hard on me anyway because I hate the cold and hate being out in it. It's dark and dreary most of the time and that effects my mood. I miss Bob terribly bad. We hardly even have time for any real conversation with the way I've been working. We talk a couple times throughout the day, but 8 to 15 minute phone calls are hardly spending time together. With him being so busy working during the day and me working at night and not getting up to talk to him in the morning, cuts out on our time. I hate it. I haven't seen him in nearly a month now and his last visit was so short. Things are coming together faster than I realize it, but at the same time it's just so damn hard being away from him like this. "It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to" (typed to that whinny song......"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to"). I just want things to get back to what was normal and I don't know when that will be.....if ever. Things will go smoother at work I believe once I get back to rotation of shifts again. In restaurant management they want managers to work evenings since that's the "bulk" of the business but I hate working nights. I need out of the food industry....yet it's all I've ever really done. I'm tired of working 50 hours a week. Yet for now I have to. I only have 2 more truck payments then it will be paid off. That alone will ease my mind. I've actually contemplated looking in the classifieds again, but the mere thought of changing jobs stresses me out too. I feel like I'm just one stressed out mess lately. Yet when you really think about my's not stressful and it's actually pretty damn good. I have alot going for me. I just get this way when I'm exhausted and mildly depressed. Winter does it to me all the damn time. I fight it and that's part of the stress. It's too easy to fall victim to depression and when you know it's lingering and fight wears you out. If anyone has been in a state of depression before, I'm sure you'll know what I'm rambling about. The good thing is my awareness and the willingness to not allow it to consume me. I just need SLEEP and I'm not getting it. I have to end this rant since I have to leave in an hour for my 10 to 8 shift and I'm still in my Pj's.


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