Lots of random thoughts today

Not only do I have a 1,000 things on my mind today it seems like; but it's so early to have them all. I had a rough night sleeping because of this. Being how this is my journal and I dedicate it to "thoughts about my life... my days ...my everything", I can't not write about something that is on my mind for "fear" of someone reading it and forming an opinion about me. Most of that statement came from the previous blog I had where I mentioned my job one to many times and was simply told that my behavior was unacceptable. Most all of you that visit here know that's the reason for this new blog. I have went out of my way to not mention my job in here ( with the exception as to right before I went on vacation) and it drives me crazy that I can't journal about that part of my life. It's a huge part of my life and frustrations at times and I have no real "outlet" for talking about it. I hate "bothering" Bob about it because he gets worried that I'll either quit and walk away from it or that I'll be fired. I don't want to upset him like that. It's hard enough with us being so far apart from each other. ( warning...this post is going to be a long one and all over the place I just know it). It's so very frustrating to have a man in your life that you feel so normal with and that you get along with so well and can't be near him most of the time. I'm tired of being in this lonely , quiet apartment with just the dog to keep me company. When Bob is here it just feels so right and the way it should be. I feel so much more alive and happy when he's near me. When I'm there it's practically the same feeling. The only reason it's different when I'm there is because he lives in his Brother's house and it's just not the same as it would be if he had his own place and could relax fully and truely be himself and do anything he wanted to whenever he wanted to or how he wanted to. It's not bad for him there or anything, it's just that feeling you get when you live in someone else's home. I had that same feeling when I lived with my Mother a couple of times. His Mother also lives with them as last year they took her in because of her health and they take care of her. I think his Mother is the cutest little lady and I'm sure she has a side I wouldn't like...all Mother's do. When Bob is away from there it's natural that he's more relaxed. I am more than willing to help Bob take care of his Mother and we have had this discussion numerous times. Bob & I have been together now since August of last year. We want to be together and have alot of "things" to figure out as to how, when and where. I'm always doing my best to be patient and know that time will come. We are both working on some financial issues that should be taken care of before this time comes of us being in the same house somewhere. There are other issues that only Bob and I need worry about. I've always thought of myself as a pretty independant person. I can do alot of things myself and not need anyone's help with. I have liked that I don't have to "depend" on someone's help in order to survive in this world. However, in being this way, I have become quite the lonely person at times. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be alone anymore. Bob likes it that I can do things yet he likes to do things for me as well. I love helping him when he's working. With him being a self employed carpenter and a damn good one I might add, I get to go along with him at times and help him on the job sights he works on. We get along and get alot accomplished. I love it and could do that all the time. It's not practical for me to do that all the time. I just enjoy it. I miss the interaction with him. I miss his snoring for that matter. I can't sleep very good now when I do go to bed. Being with him is great. It also makes it that much harder to be away from him when one of us has to leave and "go home". I will have some things taken care of by March of next year. He and I are both hoping that by that same time he will have some things taken care of as well. That alone will make things much easier for us. March seems so far away yet it isn't. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we had our vacation. It's been 3 weeks ago already. Time just flys by so fast anymore. I know in my heart that when the time is right Bob and I will be together. I think we have done a terrific job in not rushing into anything that would hurt this relationship. It just breaks my heart to be away from him. I feel more empty. I trudge along everyday looking forward to that "final countdown" as Bob called it once. I need to be stronger and hate when I get this mushy girlie attitude. I don't have time for it. That's just part of the things that has been on my mind lately. I love Christmas. It's always been my favorite holiday. Not for the gift giving and the shopping and the Christmas Carols etc, but just the "feeling" I get when I do something nice for people. I know we should all be in that Christmas spirit throughout the year and most of us don't. Anymore, Christmas time depresses me. I have put myself in this financial mess I am digging out of from making stupid decisions in the past 3 years. I am the type of person that loves to do nice things and surprise people with things anytime. Especially Birthday's. I love to give when I can. When I have to struggle in giving, even if it's a small struggle, I get depressed about it and then get so down on myself because I'm in the situation I'm in. Like now...I hate this job I have. It's harder and harder each day to go in there and act like nothing is wrong and that I like doing what I'm doing. I don't care for 90% of the people I work with. Yet I have to be there because I can't afford not to be right now. I'm making a sacrafise and not doing a good job even with that. With it being Christmas most work places have a gift exchange. Well not only do I not want to participate because I don't care for these people, I really don't have the money to be doing so. They have a sign up sheet to be in the gift exchange with a $15 limit. Okay, that's not so bad really and it's do-able. The thing that I have been upset about since yesterday afternoon, was when I walked into the office after clocking in and doing some routine things, my GM and another assistant were in the office chain smoking when my GM (who has been not speaking to me unless she has to...not even a hello each day when I come to work) says to me in a mater-of-fact voice that she and the other 2 assistants are putting together $50 each so we can get the staff Christmas gifts and would "like" me to participate in this..(while said in the tone that makes you feel like you were just told you have to). Needless to say I was pissed immediately. She didn't ask me in private. She didn't ask if I would like to. She didn't ask if I could afford this. They need the money this Friday as that is payday. I said sure. The only reason I said sure I'd "chip in" was because of the feeling I would get if I didn't. I should not have been made to feel this way. I feel like if I don't do this then she will have yet one more thing to look down on me for and will continue to not speak to me and judge me and make my life more miserable at work than it already is. I'm just irritated about it and needed to vent it out. I have to put these feelings behind me. For my own good. I'm tired of letting things bother me so much. I wish I was one of those people that can just let things slide off their backs. This will all pass I know that. It's just hard day in and day out dealing with it. I have been frustrated because there are things I want to get for my Daughter to help her out with the new baby that is on his way. I haven't been able to. I want to do more for my Grand daughter and haven't been able to. I simply want to send my son a little $50 gift card from Wal-Mart and don't know now how I'm going to swing that. I haven't decorated for Christmas in 2 years. I decided this year would be different. I was going to go Friday and get a small artificial tree and some lights etc to decorate my livingroom a little. Right now at this very moment, I'm not so sure I'm going to spend the money to do that. I "feel" as though that opportunity was taken away from me because I "have" to give my money somewhere that I don't want to give it to. I can still do it, that's just my mood at the moment and I'm expressing myself. That's what I do. I'm a big ranter. If I don't get this stuff out my head it's going to drive me completely nuts. I have never trued to be someone that I'm not. Not in here, or anywhere else in life. This is me. I don't knoe how to be a fake person. You either like me for who and what I am or you don't. Perhaps this is why I don't have many friends. I don't know. My best friend that I've had for several years now lives about 5 minutes away. I was a maid of honor in their wedding 6 years ago. She and I rarely speak. Our lives have gone in different directions. We email or call each other now and then and we always say we need to get together..then we don't. What's up with that?? I'm a simple person. I go to work..I come home. I don't go out and "hangout" with people. Bob has a hard time believing that I'm a shy person. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but truth be known I really am. It's hard for me to initiate a conversation most times with people. I'm constantly thinking they are judging me. Bob and I hit off it right from the start. He and I have alot of things in common and he's always been easy to talk to and I feel safe with him and can be myself without fear of him judging me. He calls me a goof now and then but I do the same to him so it's okay. Staying to myself most of the time isn't the healthiest thing. I believe we need that interaction with people. My biggest thing is trust. I have the worst time trusting people because I used to be very trusting until you have done something to break that trust. Well I have been a victim too many times with people in many different ways and have developed this "I don't trust you ...you have to earn my trust" attitude. You guessed it....that's makes you a lonely person that way. Everyone wants to be liked...so I know I'm not alone in that area. I just won't change who am I in order for anyone to like me. I want and need to be accepted for who I am. It needs to be that way for everyone. Which brings me to yet another thing that has been bugging me somewhat. I read on Jenny's blog yesterday that she is closing her blog because she feels she hasn't been herself and hasn't shared her other side. This is something I don't want to happen to me. She feels like she has been blogging for "others" instead of for herself. Perhaps this is a reason that Brico went on a hiatus for awile. I know he said that he was spending too much time on his blog and needed to set limitations for himself. I agree, we shouldn't let something like the interaction of our online journals become a focal point of such in our lives. ( I'm glad he's back now...that was a long month ). I'm not willing nor ready to stop blogging. For me, right now, I need this. I like to be able to sit here and write. About how I'm feeling...about what I'm doing...etc. It makes me feel good. I want to be myself here. I have been visiting a variety of different blogs in this 8 months now that I have been blogging. I visit blogs I can relate to. To ones that make me laugh. To some that make heart go out to them. I feel bad for Jenny that she feels she has to stop her journaling. If that's what is the right thing for her to do I completely understand. I used to attend church on a regular basis. I have in a good long while. I'm sure that's why I have the attitude towards life right now that I do. I'm not ready to go back to a church. I love God and know that without him I have nothing in my life. I don't read my bible like I should. I pray to him and it's always from my heart and I know he is with me all the time. I just tend to keep him at bay and I shouldn't. Like Jenny mentioned, I too haven't mentioned that side of me. I don't dwell on it. Religion and Politics are 2 main subjects I stay away from. Why?...it's just easier for me. I'm not good at a debate and those conversations usually end up in a debate. I feel people judge you for your beliefs rather than allow you your opinion.

This has been by far my longest post in my journal yet I feel for me it has been an important one. I had to get things out of my head. I do feel better and that was my sole purpose when I started this. I started writing this at 7:45 am. It's taken nearly 2 hours of my morning and been well worth it for me. I'm sure in a day or two I'll look back on this and say .."oh brother what was wrong with you" but I have mornings like this alot. I just haven't opened up about it. After reading Jenny's blog and a few others that I haven't added to my blogroll yet, ( here and here ) it made me think about things. For anyone that actually took the time to read this rant .... God bless you for taking the time....I would have closed it and looked for a shorter post to read...hehehe. I highly doubt I'll have another post this long. I just needed this outlet this morning.

Honey...if you read all this...Im fine. You know I just miss you. I love you..Muah!!